new tour.

12/1 Montreal – 16:00
13/1 Toronto – 16:00
14/1 New York – 16:00
15/1 Nashville – 16:00
16/1 Chicago – 16:00
19/1 Seattle – 16:00
20/1 LA – 16:00
21/1 Mexico City – 12:00
23/1 Shanghai – 22:00
24/1 Manilla – 22:00
25/1 Singapore – 22:00
26/1 Jakarta – 22:00
27/1 Melbourne – 22:00
29/1 BA – 22:00
1/2 Sao Paolo – 22:00
2/2 Rio – 22:00
3/2 Johannesburg – 18:00
4/2 Antalya – 18:00
5/2 Ankara – 18:00
6/2 Baku – 12:00
6/2 Izmir – 22:00
7/2 Istanbul – 22:00
8/2 Sofia – 12:00
8/2 Milan – 22:00
9/2 Rome – 12:00
9/2 Barcelona – 22:00
10/2 Madrid – 12:00
10/2 Porto – 22:00
11/2 Paris – 12:00
12/2 Brussels – 12:00
12/2 Amsterdam – 22:00
13/2 Berlin – 12:00
13/2 Warsaw – 22:00
14/2 Budapest – 12:00
14/2 Bucharest – 22:00
15/2 Belgrade – 18:00
16/2 Sarajevo – 12:00

17/2 Vilnius – 12:00
17/2 Moscow – 22:00
18/2 Tallinn – 12:00
18/2 Helsinki – 22:00
19/2 Stockholm – 12:00
19/2 Copenhagen – 22:00

20/2 Tromso – 18:00
21/2 Glasgow – 12:00
21/2 London – 22:00

uh ow…

kind of dropped the m-word in conversation with him just now… Not sure if it’s highly inappropriate or just the right time or way too soon or…

Damn. Fuck. Too soon, right?

*kicks something*

I’m such a dork.

She’s a…

whore, and nothing more.  A bitch with an itch you can’t scratch, because you’re not him and he’s so fucking divine.

I don’t know if I’m smug about it or not.

oh for the love of…

I just can’t do this, can I? This whole romance and being with someone thing…

It’s true

I feel like an afterthought. I don’t like it.

Can’t stop my heart

It beat beat beats for you and I can’t stop it even if it scares me. Its blessedly uncomplicated and even so I’m looking for complications because that’s what I do, because I’m not content without a little drama, apparently. She can’t compete with me and we’re not even running the same race, so why do I keep comparing what we have to what they have? Why do I keep wondering if she makes him happy the way I make you happy? Or if she makes him happier?

Kobe, they’re engaged now and I think it’s youthful enthusiasm and I think it’s doomed and I think that you and I will outlast that whether you put a ring on my finger or not, but… they’re engaged now, and we’re not, and I can’t stop looking over my shoulder at them and wondering in what light you see me, and if that light is different than the light he sees her in.

We live vicariously through our children sometimes. It’s easy to deny our own wants and needs when those wants and needs are fulfilled for our children. But I don’t want to settle for less, just because my children do have what I desire. I want it too. I want it all. I don’t even know what I want, except for my heart to keep beating for you and for yours to beat for me, whether you put a ring on my finger or not.

And I want to stop feeling like you’re settling for one thing because your children have the other.

It’s all falling apart

I always thought that we’d last forever. Lovers and husbands and friends would come and go, but she and I would be together until the end of time. On stage together, on the road together, sharing our hopes and dreams together until we’re old and wrinkled.

And now she tells me she doesn’t want that anymore. She tells me that she’s tired of the life we’ve built for ourselves, and that she wants change. She tells me that she’s leaving me. Leaving the band. Going on a break. Technically I know it shouldn’t change anything between us. We’ll still see each other. We’ll still call each other. It’ll never be the same again. We will never be as one again.

So if I’m unfair to you, or if you feel like I’m not treating you well enough right now, it’s because you broke my heart, you fucking bitch.

You know what’s funny? people always say that they’re willing to do anything to fix things. It’s all talk. It’s something they say to ease their minds. What they do instead is walk around like a beaten dog for a few days, trying to guilt trip you into seeing their point of view.

I won’t. You’re the one who’s leaving. You can suffer for it.

New mantra

I must not be jealous of things I can’t have. I must not be jealous of bands that play better than we do. They have invested more time and energy to improve their skills than I have.

I must not be jealous of composers that write better songs than I do. They have invested more time and energy to improve their skills than I have.

I must not be jealous of performers that get better ratings than I do. They have invested more time and energy to improve their skills than I have.

I must not be jealous of editors that are more popular with their readers than I am. They compromise in their personalities to appease their readers. I am not willing to do so.

I must not be jealous of girls he says he loves. I am not in control of his heart. I can not invest more time and energy to improve his opinion of me.

I must not be jealous of things I am unwilling or unable to change.

And here… we…. go.

We got through the prelims. It was really close in the end, but we made it with the best show we’ve ever played. Mind Melting, the reviewers said. I didn’t think it was possible until two shows before the end. We had some good advice from someone special, and it really helped.

Words can’t describe what a rush it was to see our songs get six star ratings.

We’re in Seattle now, already preparing for the festival. Will our repertoire hold? Will all our events get good reviews? It’s so exciting, and yet… we’ve already done what we set out to do. We made it to the festival. We never expected to do well in the finals, but…. Well, I kind of want to, anyway.

So there’s a lot to look forward to in Stockholm. All those shows, and the wedding of Lianne and Stephen. And maybe the wedding of Walter and Anouk.

In the meantime I’m in Seattle, wishing it was Christmas already. Someone special gave me a gift that has a mysterious sparkling aura around it, and I can’t wait to open it. Still, above all else I’d like it if that special person were still in Seattle with me. We won’t see much of each other in the next weeks, and… well…

I miss you already.

On a whim

… I almost proposed tonight.

Well, not quite, but I almost came close to suggesting that… and wishing that…

It’s just the alcohol speaking, but… woah. I know the past few days have been good, but seriously, Isa… they weren’t that good. It’s jus that… with the tour coming, and the prelims coming, and with Jimmy being on the lake… I’m feeling…

I’m finally feeling again, and it’s intense, and scary, but here I am, once again caring about what happens. And I have no idea how to deal with all of it at once.

I do know proposing out of the blue is not a good idea though. Very much not a good idea.